Dazzling Dialogue

by Laura Belgrave

  You've heard it before: If you want your fiction to grab your readers by the throat, you'd better give it a good jolt of dialogue, and the dialogue had better be dashing. That's particularly true of contemporary stories aimed at kids beyond the picture book stage. If you think not, just watch them pick up a book and actively scan the pages for quote marks. Those little curlicues poised at the beginning and end of sentences are more than grammatical ornaments. To young readers, they represent a comfort zone -- a tip-off that characters are controlling the story instead of passages loaded with description.

But writing good dialogue is about as easy as singing the national anthem on key. There are a lot of reasons for that, but probably the biggest is that dialogue between two characters on paper isn't even remotely like conversation in real life. Oh, sure. Good dialogue sounds like real-life conversation, but it's only a masquerade -- and for that we should all be very grateful, because most real-life conversation is dull, redundant, crippled with confusing asides, and choked with "huhs" and "ahhhs" and an amazing array of guttural sounds. The only reason we don't notice just how flawed our conversations are is because we instinctively filter all the frou-frou out when we listen. If you leave the frou-frou in when you write dialogue -- and lots of beginning writers do -- your stuff will sound stilted or banal or extraneous, and it'll make editors want to weep. Bad move.

With that said, keep in mind the following tips when creating dialogue:

Make sure your characters have something worth saying before you let them open their mouths, and make them get to the good stuff fast. (And do not, for heaven's sake, let them repeat information you've already made clear through narrative.) Following is some dialogue that's as padded as a Pampers diaper, followed by a cut-to-the-chase revision.

With frou-frou:

The minute the phone rang, Jennifer bounded off her bed and snatched it up.
"Hello?" she said.
"Hi, Jennifer. It's me, Susan."
"Oh, hi. How are you?"
"Oh, okay," replied Susan. "How about you?"
"Okay."
"What's new?"
"Oh, you know," said Jennifer. "Not much."
"Yeah. Not much new on this end, either. I got a ton of homework to do."
"Me, too. Mr. Kevlor really piles it on."
"That's for sure," Jennifer agreed. "But I almost wish we were still in class. At least we could be looking at that new guy, Ross. He's the best!"
"Maybe not," said Susan. She dropped her voice to a whisper. "He's why I'm calling. Marcie told me in gym that he's actually got a criminal record!"
"No! You're kidding! I can't believe it!"

Without froufrou:

The minute the phone rang, Jennifer bounded off her bed and snatched it up. Susan said a fast hello and then dropped her voice to a whisper.
"You know that new guy in Mr. Kevlor's class? Ross?"
"Sure," said Jennifer. "I could look at him all day. He's the best!"
"Maybe not. Marcie told me in gym that he's actually got a criminal record!"
"No! You're kidding! I can't believe it!"

See the difference? In a real-life telephone conversation or even face-to-face greetings, people spend a lot of time making polite noises. In fiction, polite noises are rarely necessary. In fact, most of the time they do nothing but slow the story to a crawl.

Try not to torment your readers by making them figure out which character is speaking at any given point. That doesn't mean you need to supply a "he said" or "she said" after every snippet of dialogue. But a strategically placed prompt is definitely in order when dialogue runs on at length or might otherwise be confusing. Watch what happens when prompts are neglected:

"Hey, Spencer!" Jerry said. "What's with your head, man? That buzz cut is yesterday's news."
"Oh, yeah?" said Spencer. "And that bacon grease on your hair isn't?"
"It's not bacon grease, and at least I don't look like my dad ran over my head with a lawn mower."
"You don't have a dad."
"That's better than wishing I didn't, like you."
"You don't have a clue what I wish."
"News flash: I don't care what you wish."
"That's the trouble with you, man. You don't care about anything."

Now read the same exchange, and notice how just a few prompts -- those words in bold -- help to clarify which character is on stage:

"Hey, Spencer!" Jerry said. "What's with your head, man? That buzz cut is yesterday's news."
"Oh, yeah?" said Spencer. "And that bacon grease on your hair isn't?"
"It's not bacon grease, and at least I don't look like my dad ran over my head with a lawn mower."
Spencer snorted. "You don't have a dad."
"That's better than wishing I didn't, like you," Jerry said hotly.
"You don't have a clue what I wish."
"News flash," said Jerry. " I don't care what you wish."
"That's the trouble with you, man. You don't care about anything."

The revision you just read could have been handled a number of ways, and indeed, you should experiment with several approaches when you're writing your own dialogue and sense that you're losing the thread.

"Said" is a terrific word. Even if it seems redundant and boring at times, using good old "said" is almost always a better choice than peppering your dialogue with self-conscious words such as "exclaimed," "gushed," "enthused," "sighed," or "cried." Really, "said" is a little like white noise; it's absorbed on a subconscious level. Readers will blow right by it, focusing their attention on the words that count the most-- the dialogue itself.

Don't let your characters do the unnatural or impossible when they talk. They can say things. They can reply to things. They can repeat things. They can scream, yell, holler and whisper things. What they can't do – or shouldn’t do -- is "laugh" a line of dialogue.

NO: "You're crazy!" laughed Justin.
YES: "You're crazy!" said Justin with a laugh.
ALSO YES: "You're crazy!" said Justin, laughing.

What else can't characters do? They can't "groan" a statement, although they can say something with a groan. They can't "sob" a sentence, nor can they "threaten" a sentence -- one of my personal favorites:

NO: "Do that again and I'll smack you upside the head," threatened Gary.
YES: "Do that again and I'll smack you upside the head," said Gary in a threatening voice.

(Actually, Gary's statement alone suggests plenty of threat. When you've written yourself into an unnecessary situation like that, write yourself right back out of it. Better yet -- show, don't tell.) You won't find a writer's dictionary that lists which words work and which ones don't. Let logic be your guide and when in doubt, fall back on that lovely word, "said."

Resist the temptation to write dialogue with an accent. If you're including a Southern character, for instance, let your readers know he's Southern in your narrative, but don't batter the dialogue in order to make his speech sound authentic. The truth is, almost no one can effectively pull off an accent in written form, and it simply isn't necessary. Your readers are smart. They'll build in the accent all on their own.

Finally, here's an old, tired rule of thumb: Read your dialogue out loud. If you're brave enough, read it out loud to someone else. What you capture on paper can sound very different when you release it through your mouth. If your dialogue sounds wooden or old-fashioned when you give it breath, then it probably needs to be revised.

There's almost no better way to make characters come alive than through dialogue, so give them lots to say. Just make sure that what they say makes them sound more exciting than they would if they were real.

Copyright © 1998 by Laura Belgrave

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